"tides" (Entry 477)

tides rise and fall

but never turn -

just like you

will never learn

"After You Left" (Entry 427)

When jokes blend with

Ether's hush

And smiles you've left

Gone way of Cheshire's cat. 

When long told yarns words

swept up with dust. 

I'll still remember the good times 

and all of that. 

"Dream's Diatribe - Waking's Praise" (Entry 424)

I woke up crying. 

From a dream, 

in which you were... 

lost. 

Not 'un'found. 

Lost to me - no longer around. 

(Prepared for ground.)

Can't say - nor scribe - the words. 

Though you know

My meaning

Of this keening. 

They wept and wailed. 

I watched them wail and weep. 

I stood before gathered crowd. 

You - I'm proud, but not of them. 

I bit and clawed and chewed them out. 

Told them all, without a doubt,

Of each mistake and disservice recorded,

With each word, it's you, 

It's you, I applauded. 

In the end, an audience shocked, knowing their woes from wrongs. 

A lament of venom. Poisoned songs.  

I woke up crying.

Devastated. 

(In seeing you, my fears abated.) 

Though I reel and break apart,

The scene unbidden which broke my heart. 

For in that nightmare, at the root,

Held many bitter bitten-tongued truth. 

I wish there was strength in my being,

To call them out (on your behalf) with words so freeing. 

Instead emotion stays locked inside,

In subconscious, these diatribes hide. 

I woke up crying,

from dream cruel and strange,

Knowing that there was one way, 

I could act on and change. 

I promise I'll be here you for always. 

I may have woken with tears,

But I'll mop away your sadness. 

Bring warmth and laughter to replace fears. 

I promise, with daring desire,

a passion's extol. 

I'll tell you, I LOVE YOU!

Each day,

With body, heart, mind and soul.

"Grains of Truth in Words" (Entry 415)

The words you utter

Are multitude minute grains,

Sand spat at me, 

To hit cell and blood stream. 

Deluge of grit, grate and sear,

Through my body, soul and mind. 

Until it pounds upon my chest,

The flames of your true meaning scath,

Turns heart to glass, 

Which you shatter. 

To you - no matter. 

No thought or apology 

Of the pieces you've left of me. 

You carry on without care,

While I can never repair.

"Precious Thing" (Entry 399)

It was most precious thing. 

The thing I liked to keep near,

Or at least know where it was at all times. 

To see, to hold,

Or even be in the same room, 

I felt safe. 

I knew I was home. 

Then one day, I lost my thing. 

Unable to search,

As I knew it was gone forever,

Never to return. 

My heart broke, in that moment,

Never to be mended. 

There's always a chunk missing, a hole left, my precious lost thing. 

My precious lost mother. 

My most important possession. 

(If a person can belong to another. 

I think they can, when hearts are open, when they give so much... mean so much... are so much to each other.)

My mum. 

I lost her when she died. 

I love her love, her laughter, her strength, her friendship, her scent, her protection, her hugs. 

The most precious thing in my world is lost.

**********

Almost 22 years without you. 

Today is your birthday. 

I will miss you always. 

Remember you always. 

Love you forever. 

"Dream Change" (Entry 394)

There was always darkness in my dreams. 

Funeral edges and morbid seams. 

A shroud of despair-webbed grief-worm satin. 

A veil weaved of last rite Latin. 

Now nightmare mists, ebb and fade. 

For I found you, light to my shade. 

You elevate me to a heightened view. 

You've changed my soul. I love you. 

******

For you, my darling husband, for you. 

"Take My Leave" (Entry 380)

Thoughts retrieve

Where you weave. 

Can I hope, when I no longer believe?

I take my leave,

While you deceive

And think that I can not perceive.

"That Stranger, There?" (Entry 376)

That stranger, there?

Was it a wink?

Or just sun-glazed blink. 

A friendly smile or

Grimace of vile rile?

That stranger, there?

A friend or beware?

Think awhile before you share. 

"The Summons" (Entry 375)

Metal-tipped stiletto heels echo on marble floor. 

Reverberate in smoke-like tendrils to somber dome above. 

Nervous unrhythmic tapping,

As an ancient typewriter hitting and leaving its mark. 

Repetition rebound around the rotunda atrium melding into next. 

It wasn't fair!

She had been summoned. 

There was no refusal. 

She arrived on time,

But had been kept waiting. 

Sweat her out!

Why was she made to feel guilty?

She jolted as sight met with uniformed guard, 

And held. 

Steely blue ex-service beneath peaked cap to 

Brown and teary, fighting fear, to point of sending mascara flowing in inky ribbons over alabaster cheeks,

As pale as any statue that graced this hallowed hall. 

He sat as judge, jury and executioner 

Behind raised and ruling oak desk. 

Her gaze fazed first. 

Desperate to find new eye line. 

Hard, dark, wood bench. 

New project.

She sat tentatively on the same spot as 

Rumps by the multiple had polished before. 

A grey suited identikit drone loomed and slithered from behind a heavy ornate door.

Her fingers gripped and well-worn edge as she screamed inside. 

Why her? 

What was she doing here?

It wasn't her fault? Wasn't her desire?

Who truly wants to work here?

Not her!

Why go through all this when she didn't want the job!

She rose to go. 

But the drone approached. 

He lifted his chin a little higher to peer down her nose to her. 

Nostrils quivering as he sniffed,

"Miss Cavendish. Your father will see you now."

"Flirt Alert" (Entry 258)

Was that really what I saw?
A glint in the eye of someone I adore.
Did his look a little longer linger?
Oh, now he's wrapped me on that strong finger.
A brush of hand. A spinal electric.
with one flirt, we've connected.

And that smile he gave me - a pearly white.

That's gone and done it! I'm his... for the night!

"Carrying on Alone in Hope" (Entry 249)

The carriage rolled as the tracks tacked forward onto the train's wheels.
A speedy rate to arrive on time. That was fine.
The sooner she was there the better.
She hated travelling along, but at least she had the cabin to herself.
The blind detached to slap up as the door rattled open,
swinging and slamming out of the new comers grip.
Her head whipped round from the blurred scene beyond the window to meet his eyes.
She was no longer alone.

"A Note" (Entry 200)

One line she wrote, and grinned to gloat,
"I found out, you shit!"
For him to find.

She left the note and took her coat.

Leaving emotional baggage behind.

"Last Stop Before The Long Journey" (Entry 134)

Train slowed its tranced tracked tack.
"Baston Longacre"
Last stop before arrival at her own.
Not her own. His.
Last breath on a long journey.
Too long.
Tip of the country to the end.
Many engines. Five changes.
A stop away.
He knew she was coming.
He'd be at the station.
Waiting.
Expectantly.
With flowers.
Probably crimson Roses. Her favourite.
He knew that.
She'd told him. In emails.
Was she ready?
Not for flowers, but what they meant.
Love.
Their love.
Together.
Their relationship had been easy,
with miles apart,
only video calls, phones and emails to carry them on.
It had been fun.
Exciting.
Was that a crime?
Now what?
Reality.
Living together.
It's what they wanted. What they planned.
She stood on the platform at Baston Longacre and watched the train move on.